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June 23, 2005
Vapid Crossovers
Have you seen this? Seriously, have you seen this?! I wasn't sure how to react when I first viewed that introductory trailer: laughter? disgust? anger? Such a mix of conflicting emotions but they all ended in one conclusion: there was about as much a chance for me purchasing that piece of licensed filth as severing my own limbs with a rusty blunt saw blade after refusing a tetanus shot.
I think that piece of interactive refuse is a symptom of a larger problem. An illustrative lesson from history perhaps? I assume you all remember Vanilla Ice, that beacon of whiteness intent on insinuating himself into the hip-hop, urban collective. Well actually, let me rephrase that: the corporate machine of Capitol Records tried to insinuate Vanilla Ice into the then, ripe market of the hip-hop urban collective.
As with all market research experiments that take place on the MTV stage Vanilla became ultra-famous for his fifteen minutes with legions of suburban youth memorizing every word of his infamous 'Ice Ice Baby'. The summer one-hit-wonder phenomenon is akin to the most dietetically stringent individual entering a convenience store for some much needed sustenance but forgoes the healthy choice of yogurt settling rather on a bag of Doritos and bottle of yoo-hoo. The meal was instantly gratifying but hardly satisfying, leaving our patron feeling ill; both gastro-intensinally and emotionally for their poor decision making.
Not content with the Vanilla Ice brand simply saturating the top-40 market the folks at Capitol Records thought it would be good for Mr. Van Winkle to break into film. The result was this piece of garbage. Have you seen it? It was absolutely horrendous and served as a lesson illustrating that the chasm separating successful one-hit wonder to film star is not easily leapt across. Our friend Vanilla's once summer anthem is now a comical hit at wedding receptions but his place in respectable hip-hop and film history remains elusive. His vapid lyrics, terrible acting ability and corporate driven image are a testament to the awkward adolescent transition of hip-hop in the 90s from underground sensation to corporate driven top 40 radio fodder.
Oh, speaking of top 40 radio fodder and the music industry's tradition of ruining everything respectable in an art-form let's get back to talking about 50 Cent. This new Bulletproof project isn't the first time a game has centered around a celebrity (anyone remember Shaq-Fu?) but it's predisposition to complete suckage is so astronomical that assigning a numerical value of percentage to it would be an exercise in futility. This is evidenced by the ridiculous interview near the end of the feature where 'Fiddy' talks about what he liked in the game. Only it wasn't a game that he was showed at all but a pre-rendered teaser trailer and the fact that he didn't know that is sickening.
I don't know about any of you but when I escape into the fantasy world of an interactive experience I don't want to take on the mantle of a character whom already exists in real life; especially when they talk (and rap) like they have marbles in their mouth. Though I understand that there is an element of over-exaggeration in the genre of the video game, I find it highly implausible that a man who got shot nine times in the face would have no problem flawlessly dodging all those bullets. I could go on by Jada says it with so much more panaché.
Posted by Jon at June 23, 2005 07:44 PM