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January 06, 2007
Resolving Value
I've been working my way through a bunch of different experiences as of late and am brimming with all sorts of divergent ideas. It's as if my brain has become a nexus for trains of thought and I am charged with the task of making sure they all arrive and depart at the appropriate times. I'm sure there's a tenuous connective thread between all of them and I'm a little obsessed with finding the point at which they come together.
For example, I've been listening to the audio book for C.S. Lewis' Miracles, a work that purposes to explain, with intellectual proofs, that not only are miracles possible but are regular occurrences where the supernatural interacts with our natural world. He calls them 'spears of consciousness', moments of pure light piercing our dark world to bring insight, love and direction to those who seek it. In the same way I've been trying to make sense of a recent series of sermons at church where Pastor Rob talked about 'the issue of our value' and how it is 'settled on the cross.' From when he first introduced the concept I felt immediately convicted and confused. I knew right away this was something that was completely devoid from my life and I had not the slightest way to acquire it.
Most times I can leave church purposing, for example, to be less prideful because I can look into my past to those times where I had, even if only for moments, overcome it; providing me with a point of reference for how I need to change my behavior and thought life. Here I had come to a brick wall, an insurmountable conceptual road block where I didn't know where to begin. In other words, I was helpless.
So I started praying, not for strength to overcome, not for an attitude that averts a particular vice or sin but, simply, for understanding. It's akin to the type of prayers you say when you come to class one morning and realize you forgot to study for the big test that the teacher is beginning to hand out; hoping in some way that a kind act you did previously will merit God's favor and He will grant you the miracle of understanding. The difference this time is that the pit in my stomach is not from fear of a bad grade but is borne of the dread that I am living 'in-the-wrong' where my skewed perspective will coat all my experiences with a vague gray residue of quiet depression.
Those first feeble prayers were simple and short because my diminished self-confidence could find no flowery language in which to guild my requests. I had reached the heart of the issue and there was no use in trying to make it something it wasn't.
So each helpless morning, every quiet drive home, each eruption of fear, every moment of insecurity I offered up the simple prayer that God would show me what it means to find my value in Him. And one day this past week a spear of molten light shot up through the snow-blanketed winter of my understanding and melted away a clearing from which spring would spread.
I was at work and had just finished a design that I was bringing around for approval. I wasn't too confident in what I had done creatively which is something that happens when you are trying to design an email which will encourage women to buy clothing they don't really need. Do I go with finessed type or shall I just give in and preemptively swath everything in red? I opted for the red-treatment, knowing that if I didn't I would end up being told to so regardless; this little piece of electronic marketing was promoting a sale after all.
One of the people I had to clear it with made a comment about it being 'red' and how we were 'doing too much stuff with red in it lately.' Which, usually, would instantly bother me and bring to mind some undesirable patterns in their work that I could fixate on and use to justify why me and this person were both compromising creatively in order to secure a steady paycheck. This time, however, it was different; miraculously different, in fact. Before any of those aforementioned thoughts could arise and take root I heard a voice say in my head, 'The issue of your value is settled.' I'm not sure if it was in that exact vernacular but the concept was brought instantly to the fore of my mind and I felt a curious peace wash over me. I owned what this person said, saw they were right and honestly thanked them for their feedback.
I left the whole affair pretty startled with a spring in my step. I realized I was being worked on; that 'He who began a good with in [me would] be faithful to complete it.' In other words, it was pretty awesome.
Posted by Jon at January 6, 2007 12:33 PM