I feel as though I should be happy: it's a five minute drive from home, I'm back to the same pay and sitting at the same desk. I have an employer willing to take me back so I could selfishly travel for a quarter of a year which I know to be a rare thing.

So why all the gloom?

Well, I think it's because I feel like I haven't grown at all; I feel like a failure as a designer if I'm really honest. I haven't done any serious personal design projects in over a year now and I feel very stale as a result. Am I done challenging myself, have I resigned myself to collecting a paycheck and permanently cement myself into the rat race I was so adamantly opposed to?

No. The answer is no. But, I do think this whole thing serves as a wake up call to do a little self examination. What is important to me? Am I doing it? Am I neglecting things I should be doing? Who knows, I guess I'm going to have to spend some time thinking about it.

Without further ado, however, here's 10 things I learned in 2007. I think some self-reflection will provide me with some much needed perspective.

10 Things I Learned in 2007 (In no particular order):

1. The radiolab podcast is awesome. Though I am referring to it as a podcast it is actually a professionally produced radio show by WNYC in New York that I automatically download through iTunes. The best way that I can think to describe it is as This American Life for casual science geeks which, coincidentally, is me. Basically the hosts, Jad Abumrad and Robert Crulwitch, pick a topic like Zoos, Sleep, Mortality etc and present three or four different reports on that theme. It never gets boring and they never go over the average persons' head. Out of each 'season' they only produce five episodes at the time and care they put into them really shows. I can't recommend it enough.

2. Being in love is insanely great. I started dating Kayla in February, asked her to marry me in November and will become her husband in July. Over my lifetime I've asked a lot of couples how and when they knew that their spouse was 'the one'. All have given the same answer, 'you just know...' and, up until recently, it always drove me crazy. The weird thing is, they were right...at least for me, that is. I'm going to expand a little on all that though because I can sympathize with anyone who was in my former position: Find someone who you really like to spend time with, your friends want to spend time with and who challenges you to become a better person through honest and true encouragement instead of guilt-trips and pseudo-parenting. Don't look for someone who is a
trophy (or will view you as one), find someone you honestly want to travel through life with and is dedicated to growing as both a couple and as an individual (as you should be).

3. Spending a little extra money and time to cook for yourself is super rewarding. It just makes you feel better about yourself because you get two things 1) a tasty meal and 2) a sense of accomplishment. Having a crappy day? Cook lunch, it'll lighten your mood. Don't know how to cook? Go to foodnetwork.com for ideas or buy a simple cook book for a few bucks at the ever present clearance tables at Barnes & Noble, Borders or Amazon. Don't get down on yourself if your first few
recipes turn out like garbage, it's a rite of passage and you'll learn loads in the process.

4. I produce far too much waste than is warranted. America is super duper wasteful. We live in a culture of unchecked consumption and it's ruining the environment, our standing with the rest of the world and our mental/spiritual health. When I was in Switzerland the family Kayla and I stayed with put out a single small blue back of trash (about 2/3 the size of an average kitchen trash bag here in
America) once a week while at home I was putting out about 2 and it's just me and my roommate Matty. I've taken a big step back and am trying to think about not only how much waste I produce but how much I consume in terms of food and other material goods. Living simply is a rewarding thing and I want to bring that aspect of the European vibe home.

5. Jacob's Creek Cabernet Savignon is still the best wine under $10. When I first started drinking wine three years ago I dedicated myself to discovering great wines that wouldn't break the bank. The Austrailian winery Jacob's Creek has consistently amazing wines and their Cabernet is no exception. It's full bodied, dry and full of flavor for only $8.99.

6. I am a deeply selfish person. Oof. Most of the time I'm only thinking about me while having enough prowess to make it seem as though I'm selfless. Being in a serious dating relationship and having friends who are free to be honest (in the good way) has a way of bringing something like that to the surface. I'm working on it though, slowly and surely.

7. I'm getting a lot better at forgiving myself. I'm living a lot more peacefully now and part of that has to do with not being so hard on myself. I used to be super, super critical of myself and it left me stressed and constantly second guessing everything that I did. Now when I mess up, I admit it and move on. If I find that I am unhappy I choose patient reflection over a premature and hurried reaction that I think will fix it. Life isn't about making money or being beautiful or being famous/well liked, it's about discovering who you are and what makes you happy and then going after it. I'm done wasting time nervously reacting to the expectations of others.

8. Traveling is great for the soul. Not sure where your life is headed? Scared you're getting stuck in a rut? Tired of where you live? Travel. Even if it's to the town next door. Take some time to explore something new and you'll realize how big, beautiful and amazing the world really is. It doesn't have to be Europe either, the United States is huge and full of beautiful exciting things all within driving distance. Get out of your comfort zone and I guarantee you'll have a better understanding about just how much of a gift it is to be alive and it'll help you figure out all the pesky details of existence that we tend to waste most of our time on. Here's a quote by Sir Richard Burton (an African explorer) that says it best: "The gladdest moment in human life, methinks, is a departure into unknown lands. The blood flows with the fast circulation of childhood."

9. America isn't the greatest country on earth. That's not 'unpatriotic', it's true. America is great, it's the country I want to live in but we are terrible at a number of very important things: health care, freedom (yes, freedom, we suck at it...see the Patriot Act if you need any further clarification), our media and foreign policy. The whole mentality of 'We're #1!' has caused us to get lazy and stop challenging ourselves to be the best. It's time we cut that out.

10. Pre-emptive war is a horribly damaging thing. Thanks George W. Bush for getting the entire world to distrust and look down upon our once great nation. Let's stop being the world's bully and start being the leader who is followed not out or fear or from threats but because what we are doing merits respect.

I was trying to get my mind around God; about what exactly He is and what, if anything, He has to do with me. I swing between the extremes of despising and admiring those people who are so sure of their relation to Him. The individuals or institutions who quote the Bible as an inerrant oracle to the blinding divine.

Even from an early age I always had a problem with the idea of the Bible, not the book itself or even what it said but rather that it was The Word of God. I remember asking in Sunday school if there were going to be any more books added the Bible; Genesis was written so far in advance of Revelation and I figured there could be a Tom or Susan out there who might have something to add.

The answer I was always given, from multiple independent sources, was 'no'. Why? I mean really, why? And not even 'why' but 'how' as well, how did these people know that God put down a strict deadline after John got finished writing his fantasy epic on Patmos? This was troubling not because I wanted more stuff added to the Bible but because the Bible wasn't a word of God it was The Word of God and that meant God was done speaking.

The entire mystery of God was there, right in front of me, bound in leather and printed in Black and red.

It was depressing. Did He have nothing more to say?

Albert Einstein, in his essay Becoming a Freethinker and a Scientist, said, "Out yonder there was this huge world, which exists independently of us human beings and which stands before us like a great, eternal riddle, at least partially accessible to our inspection and thinking." This was the view of the world, and by extension 'God', that I instinctively had. There's always more to discover and this is what I was doing while lying on my bed, waiting for Kayla, staring at the knotted wood of the ceiling beams, contemplating the nails that held them in place and the atoms that stitched it all together.

And for just a moment the corners of reality were curled back and I got a fleeting glimpse of the terrifying infinity that lay beyond. I thought of Moses, up on the mountain top, as he saw but the shadow of God pass by or the assistants of the Levite priests, sweaty and scared, watching as the curtains to the holiest of holies were pushed aside, gripped in fear, wondering at the great unknown that lay hidden inside.

Then Kayla came upstairs and asked what I was doing.

"Trying to figure out the universe."

She laughed at me and then scrunched up her face into the type of smile that happens when a child says something unexpectedly adult and, by extension, cute. And all in a moment my mind raced and I thought back to what I had written earlier in my journal:

Even now as I write I am more unsettled, jangled and nerved by the liquid ground under my feet. What is truth? To love and be loved. To discover the source of love and cling to it. You, this God I've been writing and talking to for so many years, I believe you are that source. I want to know you more. I am seeking, let me find you; I am knocking, let me in; I am asking, please give.

I started to think about creation, from quarks to atoms to the largest of stars to the myriad galaxies in the milky way to beyond. All this matter, all this energy and I have the ability to see and consider it all. But what am I to do?

Love. Love and be loved. We all have compasses, some call them morals, others religious beliefs, others what you 'ought' to do. But at the core, as a human being I believe it is my charge to love and, if I do, I will be headed in the right direction and eventually arrive at my destination of infinity.

And just as a sailor will sometimes only see water and sky, I will live with the questions and trust that once I reach dry land they'll all be sorted out.

It was awesome. Eight days that felt like a month-long weekend.

Paris has to be seen to be believed...especially at night. It's moniker as 'The City of Lights' is very apt and never has any locale I've ever been in looked so beautiful at night. Amsterdam is an amazing city to go relax in. It's small and very intimate -- kind of like the tiny side streets of the back-bay -- so you can see all of it in a day. After that you are free to explore the smaller parts in greater detail and, within a couple of days, you feel as though you really know the place and can proper enjoy it.

Paris was too big to be enjoyed; often I felt as though I was racing from one destination to the next. Along the way all one had to do is turn their head to be presented with yet another beautiful site, demanding to be acknowledged in full within a scant handful of seconds.

Needless to say, both are places I want to visit again soon.

I took a bunch of pictures and am currently in the process of processing them. Hey, I was an art major...I can't just put up pictures without maniacally fretting over every details.

So yesterday was Halloween and there was a neighborhood party here at 'Zur Gempenfluh 90210'. The celebration of Old Hallow's Eve just recently made it to Switzerland and the population at large is going through the teething stage of it's observance. It's funny to see kids go Trick-or-Treating and only getting candy at 5-10% of the houses they visit. Most people answer the door, surprised to discover a group of spookily dressed kids and wondering why in the hell they're demanding candy on a school night.

Kayla made the astute observation that everyone here thinks they have to dress up as something 'scary'. We didn't see one hobo, princess (Disney or otherwise), Spiderman or Lightning McQueen. Only ghosts, ghouls, zombies, and the like. I don't have a problem with this at all -- in my opinion the spookier the better -- it's just funny to see a celebration that was such an entrenched part of my childhood begin in its infancy elsewhere.

Kayla and I brought Lenny up to the party, bearing a peace-offering of muffins and spent the dusk-hours in conversation as daylight began to fade. There was a mother applying make-up to a queue of little girls and a father showing a group of eager kids how to carve pumpkins. The air was brisk in the comfortable way but carried with it enough of a bite to remind you that winter is almost here. As the jack-o-lanterns lit up a cadre of crows flew overhead and I had a moment of complete connectedness with everything around me.

Life is so beautiful sometimes I can't hardly stand it -- especially when there are birds around. This flock of crows just continued circling overhead, not in a menacing way but in a soaring way; lazily riding the breezes and barely flapping their wings, content to go where the wind would take them. I had never seen this type of behavior before so I did a quick Google search and read that they do this to meet up before going to a nesting site where they sleep in numbers up into the thousands as protection from predators. To me it just looked like a great way to end the day; what better way than to fly with your friends?

I thought to myself, 'If I was a bird, that's the way I'd be.' It sounds silly now in retrospect but at the time it's exactly how I felt.

Because wi-fi access isn't free here this probably won't be posted until we arrive in Amsterdam on Tuesday which, we are told, will have internet access. If we don't, this will make it's way onto the interwebs on Sunday, October 21st.

OK, enough of the disclaimers which, I'm sure, no one cares about in the first place. :)

Paris is quite a place...it's akin to a more cultured, older version of New York City without all the skyscrapers. In Switzerland I've gotten numb to the fact that 90% of the people I come across are white. Paris is near the opposite with lots and lots of other nationalities all intermingled together.

On every little corner there's something interesting whether it's occupied by some little shop, café or a collection of people interacting in a way that I can only say is very 'French'.

Oh and everyone smokes here. Everyone. Seriously. It's as almost if the country as a whole decided to take a stand against all the smoking bans taking place in America and the rest of Europe by continuously lighting up in a cloud of protest. It reminds me of when I was in elementary school and used to go to the mall and see people light up in the midst of the food court. Who knew the constant smell of cigarettes could conjure up such nostalgia?

Like Basel, Paris just oozes the sort of charm that makes you want to amble around and explore it. I really hope Matty shows up soon so we can drop off our stuff and get to the wandering. His flight was supposed to land at 1:30 and, if it is on time and he was able to get on the right public transportation, he should be here in no time.

I have been working through the audio book of 'The God Delusion' by Richard Dawkins, the world's foremost atheist. The book is definitely interesting and many of the ideas and concepts he brings up have caused me to question and reevaluate a lot of what I believe. However, I cannot listen for too long of a stretch at a time for two reasons: 1) it's a very dense read where lots of important stuff is introduced and discussed all at once and 2) it's so negative.

There is no doubt that Dawkins is incredibly intelligent and his ability to write is dazzling. But, there is something peculiar to me about a man who devotes his life to not believing in something. His disbelief has become, in itself, a belief and he is very determined to get others to think in the same ways he does. At some points in the book I find myself feeling repulsed in the same way I did as a kid when the gospel would be shoved down my throat by some preacher or at a church retreat where the speaker would try to get every kid there to in-cant some prayer which, we were told, would save us from the fires of hell.

The more I explore the avenues of my faith and beliefs the more it is apparent that it is all about the journey. In the past I've been very quick to condemn people who believe what I used to. I tried to convince them, through argument, about why they are wrong and why they should think what I do. The fact of the matter is, no one argued me out of the very beliefs I'm trying to forcibly remove from them. It was through reading, writing, thinking, discussing and wrestling that I came to where I am now.

I think there's a fundamental difference between knowledge and belief. I would classify 'knowledge' as the things you discover practically that can be immediately put into practice kind of like measurements and figures you put into an Excel spreadsheet. Beliefs are the spreadsheet itself: the framework and interpretation, on the whole, of all the knowledge one has collected.

We can take umbrage and argue about the knowledge; about the data and methods used to collect the data and the way in which the data was entered into the spreadsheet. But, how can you argue with someone's spreadsheet? You can call it an inferior spreadsheet, and tell them why your spreadsheet is so incredible and awesome but, like our varied tastes in pizza (you Nick with your anchovies), what if we were all born with slightly different perspectives on what this whole life journey means.

Some people are born tall, some with lighter hair and some who like to eat lemons. But, for every category I've mentioned, there's someone else who's completely different. Why try to jam everyone into the same spreadsheet?

I came across this awesome quote recently by Jorge Luis Borges who said, "a book should not reveal things. A book should simply help us discover them."

There are people who resonate, and resonate deeply, with Jesus. I am one of those people. When I read about him and wrestle with what he says there is something within me that stirs and gets passionate and wants to change the world. Strangely, however, some people don't get that at all. At first I used to judge those people and make speculation about what it is that went wrong in their life to cause them to have such a perverted way of thinking. But, here I am and, well, I change every day. Maybe some people out there are changing to become more like me in their world views and, maybe, it's the exact opposite.

All I am responsible for is myself and, when I reflect on what I want to do in my life, I can't help but come back to what Jesus said when asked about what the greatest commandments where: "Love God, Love Others." Now, who is the God I am supposed to love? Well I could tell you today but tomorrow it might sound a little different. And, because this won't be on the internet for a few days, I think I'll leave that question unanswered for now.

Everywhere is nowhere. When a person spends all his time in foreign travel, he ends by having many acquaintances, but no friends. -Seneca

"So what I told you was true...from a certain point of view."
"A certain point of view?"
"Luke, you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view."

And so begins my Fall Promo for the year of our Lord, two-thousand seven.

I finished this mix nearly three weeks ago but, in preparation for my trek to Europe I couldn't carve out the time to sit down, finish the write-up and get it online.

As the title implies, the entire vibe of this mix was centered around those tunes I like to drive at night to. I hit upon this in 'What Do You See, David?' and thought I would continue along that same path for this mix.

It starts out with 'Wired' by Raumton, a track that came free with my DJ Studio 3 software and upon first listen I fell in love with it. It's one of those tracks that you file away and consider for every mix but can never find the position that will do it justice. So, after two years of almost being included I thought I would have it be the lead off, setting the tone for the other tracks instead of vice-versa.

Manuel Tur is up next and his tune, Ready To Go, keeps the ball rolling nicely. Manuel is an excellent producer whose tracks span the gamut of style, tone and mood; I have lot of his music and have been watching him closely for the better part of three years (he also produces under the moniker 'Tweeq') and thought it was high time I showed the love by putting him on a mix.

Sebastian Leger fills the third spot with his remix of Eric Prydz's remix of Pink Floyd's 'Another Brick In The Wall'. All three parties just mentioned are all favorite music makers of mine so to have them combine into a perfect storm like this is really a treat. It's bouncy, driving, electro throbby goodness with a little vocal kick that harkens back to drives with my good friend Steve, when I was discovering Floyd for the first time.

The middle of the mix (Callisto/Jaded/Horizons/Madderferrys) is compromised by the stuff I most like to drive to: loopy repetitive deep techno-influenced house music. Throbbing synths are what get me pumped up (especially 'Jaded') and I hope they'll do the same for you.

For the end of the mix I took it in more of a progressive direction starting with Aril Brikha's 'Leaving Me' and ending with two tunes that remind me of my end days at Messiah. Not that I was playing them then but it was the sound that, at that time, I was looking for and found shortly afterward.

On champagne bottles it says 'Best Served Chilled' and on this mix I'd like to add the addendum that it's best listened to in a car with the windows down, driving through winding roads at night in the Fall. My point of reference has always been New England so if you're from around there, find some of those classic foliage drive spots and do it up proper. I know gas is expensive but it always washed my soul out to take a nice long drive with some great music so I'm sure it will do you good.

Maybe you could use this drive as an excuse to visit someone you haven't in a while or go to a spot you used to frequent but, because of time and circumstance, haven't seen recently. I always used to go and visit Mitch this way in Marshfield and after he moved out I still made it out that way to see the Bartlett's. Sometimes it was an excuse to go and see my parents but an impromptu drive to those you love always has a way of clarifying ones outlook on things and gives a much needed sense of peace.

This Fall Promo goes out to Nick Roy: Nick, every time I sit down to do a mix I'm trying to impress you, specifically. You've got this same tendency as I do to think of all music, no matter what it is, as a soundtrack to something. And I think you, like me, are always assigning listenables we find to areas of our lives, on a never ending quest to score the existence we've been given. Ever since 'Leaves Fall, Beats Drop' you've always let me know what you think specifically and the feedback you give always helps me improve. For that I am in your debt.

As usual I uploaded it in 160kpbs (Medium Quality) and 320kpbs (High Quality). I really hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think in the comments either here or on my MySpace page.

Without further ado here's the track list:
01: Raumton - Wired
02: Manuel Tur - Ready To Go
03: Eric Prydz - Proper Education (Sebastian Leger Remix)
04: Stephan Bodzin & Marc Romboy - Callisto
05: Deadmau5 - Jaded
06: Cirez D - Horizons
07: Pryda - Madderferrys
08: Aril Brikha - Leaving Me
09: Mike Brin - Magic Changes (Stel Remix)
10: The Disco Brothers - Inner Sense feat. Andrea Britton (Starecase Remix)

It's been a little odd getting adjusted to having a completely open schedule. Every single night of my week back home had me scheduled to do something and I really liked it. Everything my life was filled with what I consider to be 'good' 'great' things. Sundays at Teen Cell, Monday nights with the BP crew, Tuesdays with Matty, Wednesdays with cell, Thursdays with Kayla and Fridays with beer/gin & tonics/video games/movies/Zorbas are all, in their own right, excellent things to look forward to. My only unscheduled day was Saturday and I mostly spend it doing absolutely nothing...a much needed Sabbath as the capstone to a busy week.

Here in Switzerland every day is Saturday. I am, effectively, on vacation and I'm living as such: sleeping in late, playing video games (Gotta catch em' all!™), learning about ActionScript, running the occasional errand and generally relaxing. This was good for the first few days but it has left me antsy for some kind of structure/achievement.

Kayla and I are similar in this sense and since yesterday we've been talking about goal setting and accomplishing things while we're here. The thing is, I don't want to accomplish anything. I want to sit around and waste the days away.

No wait....I don't want to do that either. Colon open-parentheses.

This whole unsettled-vague-depression-slash-no-motivation thing had been coming to a head last night into today and as the day dragged on I couldn't shake it. You know when you take a nap and you aren't even tired? Yeah, that's been me.

The thing is, I haven't felt that way for a LONG time like, since college. After I left Messiah I had this insane drive to make something with my life and it has served me pretty well. I've landed some cool jobs and developed real relationships with some amazing people. So, why here? Why now while I am on friggin' Europe on a three month trip where I don't have to (nor need to) work am I feeling depressed?

Like most big scary questions, looking for the answer often leads to more depression and self-loathing. Kayla and I ran over our options for the evening: watch a movie? Ugh. Watch a David Attenborough documentary? (Me: YES! Kayla: ugh.) Go into the center of Basel (Both: Sweet! But....it's Sunday...everything is shut down.) Take a walk? (Both: sounds good.)

And so we did.

Oh and it was the most glorious walk I have ever had in my life. We had no destination, just ambled through the back, winding and hilly streets of Basel, fully aware and hungry for something real to entertain us. Kayla had previously spent seven months here so there wasn't too big of a worry in getting lost. At first she took me up a big hill and when I turned to sit on a bench I realized we were overlooking the city.

Oof.

Nick sent me a comment over MySpace mentioning that J.R.R. Tolkien got his idea for the Misty Mountains after a trip to Switzerland. Homeboy was right.

Basel is nestled in this amazing little valley surrounded by rolling mountains that, at night, are dotted all over with little sprays of electric light. Kayla and I just sat there on that bench talking about the reasons why human beings so love to look out over vast expanses. Kayla said it's because we like to see there's something bigger than us and I agreed. She also said this -- which I thought was so beautiful and perfect and apt that I want to put it up on the internet so Google can cache this pearl of wisdom so it will be saved forever -- that every time she sees someone on the street she tries to remember that that person loves someone and is loved by someone else. It's pretty simple and, upon inspection, a pretty obvious thing really but, man, if people could get their minds around that I'm sure war would quickly become a non-issue. It also gave me some hard evidence on why I am just so in love with this woman and am going to marry her. If those sorts of revelations sit at the core of a person you know the depth of the purity of their heart.

Did I mention this was at the start of the walk?

We then left the bench and walked down innumerable side streets, stopping to peer in windows and admire the decidedly European decor and decidedly European people. In other words we were kinda creepy. At this one big house we watched a couple ballroom dancing; spinning, embracing and moving about a brightly lit, beautifully large room. Does it get any more classic than that?

The streets were quiet and safe. A cat even came up to say hello and we squatted down in the glow of a street lamp to admire it's fur and warm demeanor.

Kayla lead me down a pitch-black, straight out of a horror movie, path which held a huge stone, straight out of a horror movie, mansion and then over a moonlit field back to our neighborhood. We ambled along, drank from a bubbling brass fountain and swung on a playground love-seat, staring at the moon and feeling the crisp fall air as it freed leaves from their moorings and dusted our faces with the scent of burning wood.

It was a night of, as we call them, moments. Those periods in time where you forget who you are, what you are doing and surrender completely to what is going on around you; caught up in this big mystery of life and enjoying every nano-second of it.

This is why I now love Basel. This is why I'm not depressed anymore. I arrived at the realization that I came to Basel to be somewhere else, to be out of my comfort zone and see what living is like over an ocean and I got my first taste today. These are the sort of experiences that excite me to write, to share, to let the people I love know that I'm forming new stories to bring home and over-excitedly retell once I get full of wine and pasta.

Tomorrow: more adventure. Tonight: sleep.

Oh and you should definitely watch 'King of Kong'...who knew a documentary of competitive video gaming could be so moving?

I don't speak German -- well I speak a tiny bit of German (I know 'baum (tree) and 'Die Spricken Sie English, bitte?' (Do you speak English, please?) -- and I can't tell you how much this sucks. Since landing in the airport everyone, by default, speaks German to you and only when you look at them with profound stupidity do they realize you are an American and repeat themselves in English.

Kayla and I were talking about this just a few minutes ago and she said that we should speak more languages in the states. I mentioned that most of our population is Spanish speaking and she responded by asking the question as to why it isn't mandatory for the public at large to learn it. Now, just yesterday if she would have said that exact same thing I would have responded with, 'Well, English is the national language, if they want to come here they should learn it.'

Well, here I am in Germany, and I only know how to identify a tree and ask if anyone else can speak my native tongue as to make up for my laziness in failing to 'learn-the-language'.

It's not like I haven't experienced this before: I did spend 4 weeks in Ukraine but we went there on a missions/service trip and everyone was so thankful we came that they went out of their way to address us first (and only) in English. That coupled with the fact that we took 5 months worth of Russian/Ukrainian lessons to equip us before leaving alleviated the culture shock a bit.

Now I'm here on a leisure-oriented trip, roaming free without a service-type label and I feel down-right rude that I have come here so unprepared. I'm not going to beat myself up over it or anything, it's too late for that but I will do two things: 1) Make a concerted effort to learn and 2) have a lot more compassion to those who come here and don't know English whether they be tourists, new citizens or illegal aliens.

I think there are spiritual parallels here.

On the Thursday night before I left I went to have dinner at my parents house and, as usual, we got talking about religion, God, The Bible etc. I was expressing my view that often times we turn people off to the thought of living like Jesus by battering them over the head with the idea that the Bible is absolute truth and that they had better follow it. In my mind, at least, this seems to be the same mentality as 'If you're gonna come to America, Pedro, you had better know English.' I'm not saying the Bible isn't beneficial -- I've gleaned tons of life and soul direction from it -- but I think this idea of exclusivity really needs to go from the Christian life.

Many times in discussions like this the oft-used passage used to prove those who doubt the fundamentalist view is when Jesus said in Matthew, 'I am the way, the truth and the life, no one comes to the Father but through me.' The assumption is that this means that the Bible and the Christian faith are the only way to God. I don't think this statement is, in any way, shape or form, about religious exclusivity. Remember, Jesus was a jew and the 'Chrisitian' faith or even the word 'christian' didn't even exist yet. What He's saying is basically, 'Live like me and you will find the Father.'

That's it.

Jesus spent gobs of time railing on the religious leaders of the day, pointing out where they had stopped looking to God and had busied themselves with the particulars of their religious dogmas and practices. He pointed out their hypocrisy and reminded them that the aim is to live a life where one constantly is acknowledging God, loving Him and then loving your neighbor as yourself by treating him/her/it as you would want to be treated.

I think the church today has become too institutionalized in it's over-emphasis on theological nit-picking and creeds that it has forgotten the utter simplicity of Jesus' message: Love God, Love Others. That'd be a good mission statement for a youth group. ;)

Anyways, at one point during the conversation it got a little heated (which is par for the course in any debate my family engages in especially on the topic of faith) because I was thinking my parents were closed minded and they were thinking I was a heretic. I noticed things were headed off course into the territory of picking out one misstep the other party took and arguing over semantics. I tried to reel the conversation back in by saying, 'I'm haunted Mom & Dad, haunted by the idea that if I was alive when Jesus was around and was a Jew that I would have missed it. That I would have been the right next to the Son of God....only feet away from the most influential person in human history and, because of what I was taught and what the religious leaders were saying that I would have dismissed him as crazy. Do you guys ever wonder about that?'

Their responses were surprising.

Almost right off the cuff my Dad said, 'Oh I wouldn't have believed him for a second, I'm loyal to the end.' He then got really quiet and looked off into the middle distance with a renewed shame that accompanied hearing himself say something He'd realized in private long ago but never told anyone.

My mother just grimaced and said, 'Honestly? I probably wouldn't have believed Him.'

Whoa.

And therein lies one of the reasons I admire my parents so much: their candid honesty. So why don't they feel the need to change, re-evaluate things and question stuff in a new light? I think it's cause deep down, at their core, they've got the whole 'Love God. Love Others.' thing squared away. And on top of that they're simply following people whom they believe will lead them in the right direction. We might argue on theology, Biblical interpretation, what kind of church we'd prefer attending and what writers/preachers we most resonate with but we still agree on the basics about love and that's pretty awesome.

So yeah, Munich airport, I'll write more once we get settled in Basel.

Here's my spring mix for 2007 (finally). It's been nearly 6 months in the making and I'm very proud of it. After moving to a purely digital set-up with Final Scratch & DJ Studio 3 I went a little mix crazy; more excited about putting tracks together than creating a mood or vibe that would develop over the course of an entire mix. My last effort, EyeHeartSynths (Winter 06/07), was an exercise in taking the 8-bit, danceable tunes I enjoyed listening to as singles and stringing them all together. I really liked the finished product but it lacked a flow that I instinctually accomplished with Leaves Fall, Beats Drop (Fall 06).

In the comments section of my EyeHeartSynths post a good friend, Nick, wrote: "To make a martial arts comparison, (first thing that came to mind, weirdly enough) your Fall Mix was like judo, circular, flowing like water throughout, while your Winter Mix is more like karate, angular, choppier with power strikes and pauses in between." I whole-heartedly agreed with him and began a search for tracks that would flow in and out of one another, united in overall atmosphere but, once pieced together, would create an aural journey that brings the listener through a series of moods created by the music.

I wanted to recreate the feeling I got when traveling to my friend Mitch's house during the summers I was in high school and college. It was during these long drives that I would roll down my windows, put on a CD I had just purchased and speed through New England back-roads, allowing my mood to be dictated by the ebbing synths and driving beats I was discovering for the first time. The sound became associated with escape, adventure and long, lazy weekends filled with swimming, video games, laser tag and hide & seek.

Those drives were a time to be alone with my thoughts, reflecting on either the adventure I was about to start or the one I had just completed. The music served as a soundtrack for these journeys, mixing with the sounds of rustling leaves, disturbed by the motion of my car.

The title, 'What do you see, David?' comes from the relationship I've developed with a boy who is blind, autistic and developmentally delayed. I was introduced to David through Kayla -- the cute nanny I started dating who takes care of him -- and developed a deeper connection once I discovered that he loved the same music I did. His usual habits of teeth-grinding and gagging evaporate when headphones slide over his ears and a regular beat fills his head. His normally shut eyes widen and he stares blankly, enraptured by the rhythmic expressions causing me to wonder at what is taking place in his mind's eye. That's him on the cover, if you're wondering. :)

As usual I uploaded it in 160kpbs (Medium Quality) and 320kpbs (High Quality). I really hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think in the comments either here or on my MySpace page.

Tracklisting:
01: Dusty Kid - Cowboys (Original Mix)
02: The Screetch - The Screetch (Dusty Kid Remix)
03: Aril Brikha - To Begin (Original Mix)
04: 2020 Soundsystem - High (Llorca Remix)
05: Art of Tones - Praise (Llorca Remix)
06: Paradogs - Technical (MKII Mix)
07: Niels Van Gogh, Eniac - Pulverturm 2.0 (Eric Smax & Thomas Gold Remix)
08: Felix Rennefeld - The Max (Original Mix)
09: Fine Taste - My Golden Parachute (Original Mix)
10: Fine Taste - More Grey Than Blue (Original Mix)
11: Beckers, D-Nox - Naked Punch (Mashtronic Mix)
12: Pryda - Frankfurt (Original Mix)

If anyone wants to write a 'review' send it to me in an email (jon [at] respondcreate.com) and I would be more than happy to post it up. :)

Oh, and the intro quote is from the audio book of 'Miracles' by C.S. Lewis, a piece of writing that is deep, enlightening and beautifully constructed. If you think there might be something supernatural apart from the world we see everyday, that book is a great place to start the search for it.

The above quote is from Riding Giants, a documentary I've written about before. It's easily become my favorite, even though I've never surfed, just because of the story of living it communicates. It inspires you to throw off the shackles of expectation you put on yourself and seek out what it is that will keep in you the present, buzzing on the realization that you are alive; an almost overwhelming blessing in the metaphysical sense.

Take a step back and reflect for a moment on the vast amount of seemingly random intimate pairings of your ancestors that had to happen in order to produce you. All of your preceding line managed to avoid death long enough to pass on their genetic code and had the resources to sustain that life until you could take care of yourself.

In spite of this over the course of my life I have still had those barren flashes of insecurity like young Laird, wishing I was somebody else; longing to fit in. And the sad part is, most of us succumb to that pressure and model ourselves and pursuits after those blueprints of those we respect, envy and admire. Healthy education by observation becomes an obsessive, jealous-riddled copy-cat lifestyle where we begin to hate what it is that delineates us as individuals instead of rejoicing in our uniqueness.

In Mere Christianity Lewis talks about how faith in Christ is meant to bring attention to - and rejoice over - our differences, so that we may find our home in the body of Christ. God did not create us to look and act the same. On the contrary, we are all destined to fulfill a specific role in the ongoing drama of humanity that has stretched on since the moment of creation.

"We may be content to remain what we call 'ordinary people': but He is determined to carry out a quite different plan," Lewis says, "To shrink back from that plan is not humility; it is laziness and cowardice. To submit to it is not conceit or megalomania; it is obedience."

And herein lies my biggest struggle: having the patience to wait for God's timing to see where I fit in and resist the urge to resign myself to a life that settles for that which I know rather than be shown a boundless and infinite love.

Here's a quote from George MacDonald which I think is very telling of this fear: "If there is no God, annihilation is the one thing to be longed for, with all that might of longing which is the mainspring of human action. In a word, it is not immortality the human heart cries out after, but that immortal, eternal thought whose life is its life, whose wisdom is its wisdom...Dissociate immortality from the living Immortality, and it is not a thing to be desired."

There have been so many moments in my life where I wish I would just stop changing and be tagged with a title of permanence like husband, father, designer, teacher etc. But at every turn I find myself dissatisfied and antsy so I keep moving, in search of that elusive contentment that I perceive everyone else has but me. Truth be told, I'd really like to fall in love because I think that once I do find that girl and get married to her that my life will gain stability where I can begin to put down roots and build a foundation off of which a definition of who I am can be written in permanent ink. A never ending cycle of change is what I fear, preferring to find contentment in who I am now instead of what I can become.

But, strangely, deeper than all that insecurity is the quiet knowledge that I am not finished, nor ever will be in this life. Because, as Lewis says, 'death is an important part of the process.' If lasting romantic love is to be a part of my future it has to be because God has brought it to me, not for security but, because it will better help me understand His love. And until that time I have to live with the realization constantly at the forefront of my mind that I have all I need, right now at this moment, to be happy, content and at peace. Wasting time worrying if it will ever come is what will keep me out of the present and, by extension, from understanding what is means to be alive.

And just as a surfer can only ride one wave at a time we are given reality moment by moment because it is all we can handle; anxiousness over the future is to be paralyzed by the illusory while living in the present is like being on the crest of the palpable and ever-changing waves on the ocean of life.

"You have a disagreeable duty to do at twelve o'clock. Do not blacken nine and ten and eleven, and all between, with the color of twelve. Do the work of each, and reap your reward in peace. So when the dreaded moment in the future becomes the present, you shall meet it walking in the light, and that light will overcome its darkness." -George Macdonald

"You can want freedom from your issues not for the sake of holiness leading to intimacy with God, but for the sake of having a happier life. Then your motive behind all your Christian striving is pure sin...God in his grace, will not remove all of your issues. If he did, you would be as pure as an angel and proud as a demon. You have to balance a zero-tolerance policy toward sin in your life with a daily dependence on God's grace -- rather than simply desiring a once-and-for-all deliverance from all your issues. At the root of that desire to be free is often nothing more than a desire for a happy life, and a desire to be holy on your own, independent of God." -Will Leitch

I chose to lead off this entry with the above quote because I am having a difficult time trying to describe what it is that has been going on in my life. To put it at its simplest I have been getting to know human beings through the lens of Christ and, by proxy, starting to understand who I am in Him. It is as if my life prior was a charade, not that I was purposefully disingenuous but, in that I was constantly mimicking what I perceived to be going on all around me. My moral outlook was defined by observing the behavior of those I respected and then retrofitting their conduct into my own actions, certain that if I did the same as the people I admired that peace, prosperity and happiness would soon abound in my life.

I think it is an honest mistake, really; one that finds its origin deeply seeded in human beings' natural tendency to learn in community. But it all felt so cold and fake. 'Who am I?' I'd often ask, wondering if there was a core 'self' inside that longed to find it's way out and explode into reality but was constantly being stifled by my paralyzing need to fit in and be accepted by the world.

Not only was I taking cues for my actions by observing other people's behavior but I was presenting that which I thought would be admired. Transparent honesty wasn't an option and I chose rather to proffer a facade that I was convinced would leave the most positive impression on those I encountered. My waning spirituality was derived only by external experiences such as music and art. People were a liability; an entity (and I knew this by looking at myself) not to be trusted.

But then I started going to a new church and attended a cell group where people were honest about what was going on inside: that vague shadowy interior of the human self I had lost touch with in favor of obsessing over externals. They voiced openly of their struggles, their needs and insecurities then a moment later would be laughing: sharing little stories of success and happiness that had happened in the preceding week. These people were relaxed but serious, all gloriously different but united in their mission to be honest and love one another. It took me a while but I noticed that I didn't have to rehearse anymore, I could just speak what I felt and they would help me sort it out. This honesty soon translated into my other relationships: I started listening to what people were saying instead of trying to think of what I was going to reply with to add to the conversation. The noise in my head was quieting down as well with obsessive thoughts turning gradually into quiet contentment.

Tonight my cell leader, Jerry, shared his testimony and I was completely floored. I won't even attempt to recount his story because you really need to hear it from him. Not just in the details I would undoubtedly forget to include, but in the way his face gradually brightens over the course of the story due to the self-stated reminders of all Christ has done for him. My entire being was bubbling with emotion, 'This is what evangelism is,' I thought, 'someone retelling their story of redemption and seeing the meaning in their eyes.' And after he was done and we circled around to pray for him it was as if the Holy Spirit struck into my brain like lighting and gave me exactly what to say. I didn't stutter because I didn't have time to rehearse, I was being given words in the exact moment I needed them which would edify not myself, but Jerry and God.

On my way home I tried to listen to music but couldn't initially because it all seemed too grey and distracting, I just wanted to sit with God and have my indefinable emotional response to the whole night reflect back as worship.

For the first time, I am hearing from God beyond the momentary flashes of love and infinity I usually experience that dissipate in the same moment they arise. Now I am having conversations with the Creator of the universe and my heart is expanding with a glorious abandon I hope never ceases.

Oh and I love this video, it makes me think of how Aslan might greet Lucy after she returns to Narnia after a long absence:

My church is almost too awesome to explain, it's the first 'body of believers' I've been in that constantly exude God's love, free of any expectations on conduct and appearance. It's as though they just want to get you in touch with Jesus and trust He'll take care of the rest.

This is for a couple of reasons. The first, and most important reason, being that I don't need such a device. I'm never far from a computer, own an iPod that holds gobs of content and my crappy little cell phone works just fine. The only periods when my umbilical cord to the intertron is severed is when I am either driving or interacting with human beings.

I have to admit that I salivated over the rapid fire, minute by minute posts on Gizmodo during the announcement due to my fantasizing over the sheer possibilities the device afforded. Just this past New Years I got lost in the labyrinthine tangle of side streets in Quincy and could have taken full advantage of the Google Maps feature but, how often does that happen? Pressing my thumb on a friends forehead to call them? Definitely cool but, it's not like the up/down arrows and little green phone icon buttons on my current phone didn't already do the trick, albeit with a little less panache but, functional all the same.

Add these observations in with the lack of replaceable battery (solid state? Are you serious?) and Cingular exclusivity and the iPhone goes from being a 'must have' to a 'isn't that neat?' I still remember when the 1st Generation iPod came out (remember the click wheel?) and I thought, this thing is going to change the world, and it did but, not til after some much needed revisions. Spending $599 for 8 gigs of storage, 5 hour (non replaceable) battery life, no user-created widgets and a minimum 2-year contract with Cingular just isn't worth it. Give it 2 years and those things will be half as expensive, come in 4 different variations and will be available on every wireless provider.

Seacrest, out!