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January 17, 2007
Something of Infinity
"[God] is unspeakable not by being indefinite but by being too definite for the unavoidable vagueness of language." -C.S. Lewis, Miracles p.145-146
I chose to lead off this entry with the above quote because I am having a difficult time trying to describe what it is that has been going on in my life. To put it at its simplest I have been getting to know human beings through the lens of Christ and, by proxy, starting to understand who I am in Him. It is as if my life prior was a charade, not that I was purposefully disingenuous but, in that I was constantly mimicking what I perceived to be going on all around me. My moral outlook was defined by observing the behavior of those I respected and then retrofitting their conduct into my own actions, certain that if I did the same as the people I admired that peace, prosperity and happiness would soon abound in my life.
I think it is an honest mistake, really; one that finds its origin deeply seeded in human beings' natural tendency to learn in community. But it all felt so cold and fake. 'Who am I?' I'd often ask, wondering if there was a core 'self' inside that longed to find it's way out and explode into reality but was constantly being stifled by my paralyzing need to fit in and be accepted by the world.
Not only was I taking cues for my actions by observing other people's behavior but I was presenting that which I thought would be admired. Transparent honesty wasn't an option and I chose rather to proffer a facade that I was convinced would leave the most positive impression on those I encountered. My waning spirituality was derived only by external experiences such as music and art. People were a liability; an entity (and I knew this by looking at myself) not to be trusted.
But then I started going to a new church and attended a cell group where people were honest about what was going on inside: that vague shadowy interior of the human self I had lost touch with in favor of obsessing over externals. They voiced openly of their struggles, their needs and insecurities then a moment later would be laughing: sharing little stories of success and happiness that had happened in the preceding week. These people were relaxed but serious, all gloriously different but united in their mission to be honest and love one another. It took me a while but I noticed that I didn't have to rehearse anymore, I could just speak what I felt and they would help me sort it out. This honesty soon translated into my other relationships: I started listening to what people were saying instead of trying to think of what I was going to reply with to add to the conversation. The noise in my head was quieting down as well with obsessive thoughts turning gradually into quiet contentment.
Tonight my cell leader, Jerry, shared his testimony and I was completely floored. I won't even attempt to recount his story because you really need to hear it from him. Not just in the details I would undoubtedly forget to include, but in the way his face gradually brightens over the course of the story due to the self-stated reminders of all Christ has done for him. My entire being was bubbling with emotion, 'This is what evangelism is,' I thought, 'someone retelling their story of redemption and seeing the meaning in their eyes.' And after he was done and we circled around to pray for him it was as if the Holy Spirit struck into my brain like lighting and gave me exactly what to say. I didn't stutter because I didn't have time to rehearse, I was being given words in the exact moment I needed them which would edify not myself, but Jerry and God.
On my way home I tried to listen to music but couldn't initially because it all seemed too grey and distracting, I just wanted to sit with God and have my indefinable emotional response to the whole night reflect back as worship.
For the first time, I am hearing from God beyond the momentary flashes of love and infinity I usually experience that dissipate in the same moment they arise. Now I am having conversations with the Creator of the universe and my heart is expanding with a glorious abandon I hope never ceases.
Oh and I love this video, it makes me think of how Aslan might greet Lucy after she returns to Narnia after a long absence:
Posted by Jon at January 17, 2007 11:40 PM