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January 20, 2007
In Flux
"He wanted to be Hawaiian; he used to dream, he said, of wishing that he had brown skin - to be Hawaiian - because for him that was what was sort of beautiful and strong; because that's what was around him. He couldn't get girlfriends, didn't have a lot of friends..what did he do? He spent and put all that energy into the water." -Gabrielle Reese Hamilton speaking of her husband's, surfer Laird Hamilton, foundational experiences which ultimately lead to his future as the greatest big wave rider of all time.
The above quote is from Riding Giants, a documentary I've written about before. It's easily become my favorite, even though I've never surfed, just because of the story of living it communicates. It inspires you to throw off the shackles of expectation you put on yourself and seek out what it is that will keep in you the present, buzzing on the realization that you are alive; an almost overwhelming blessing in the metaphysical sense.
Take a step back and reflect for a moment on the vast amount of seemingly random intimate pairings of your ancestors that had to happen in order to produce you. All of your preceding line managed to avoid death long enough to pass on their genetic code and had the resources to sustain that life until you could take care of yourself.
In spite of this over the course of my life I have still had those barren flashes of insecurity like young Laird, wishing I was somebody else; longing to fit in. And the sad part is, most of us succumb to that pressure and model ourselves and pursuits after those blueprints of those we respect, envy and admire. Healthy education by observation becomes an obsessive, jealous-riddled copy-cat lifestyle where we begin to hate what it is that delineates us as individuals instead of rejoicing in our uniqueness.
In Mere Christianity Lewis talks about how faith in Christ is meant to bring attention to - and rejoice over - our differences, so that we may find our home in the body of Christ. God did not create us to look and act the same. On the contrary, we are all destined to fulfill a specific role in the ongoing drama of humanity that has stretched on since the moment of creation.
"We may be content to remain what we call 'ordinary people': but He is determined to carry out a quite different plan," Lewis says, "To shrink back from that plan is not humility; it is laziness and cowardice. To submit to it is not conceit or megalomania; it is obedience."
And herein lies my biggest struggle: having the patience to wait for God's timing to see where I fit in and resist the urge to resign myself to a life that settles for that which I know rather than be shown a boundless and infinite love.
Here's a quote from George MacDonald which I think is very telling of this fear: "If there is no God, annihilation is the one thing to be longed for, with all that might of longing which is the mainspring of human action. In a word, it is not immortality the human heart cries out after, but that immortal, eternal thought whose life is its life, whose wisdom is its wisdom...Dissociate immortality from the living Immortality, and it is not a thing to be desired."
There have been so many moments in my life where I wish I would just stop changing and be tagged with a title of permanence like husband, father, designer, teacher etc. But at every turn I find myself dissatisfied and antsy so I keep moving, in search of that elusive contentment that I perceive everyone else has but me. Truth be told, I'd really like to fall in love because I think that once I do find that girl and get married to her that my life will gain stability where I can begin to put down roots and build a foundation off of which a definition of who I am can be written in permanent ink. A never ending cycle of change is what I fear, preferring to find contentment in who I am now instead of what I can become.
But, strangely, deeper than all that insecurity is the quiet knowledge that I am not finished, nor ever will be in this life. Because, as Lewis says, 'death is an important part of the process.' If lasting romantic love is to be a part of my future it has to be because God has brought it to me, not for security but, because it will better help me understand His love. And until that time I have to live with the realization constantly at the forefront of my mind that I have all I need, right now at this moment, to be happy, content and at peace. Wasting time worrying if it will ever come is what will keep me out of the present and, by extension, from understanding what is means to be alive.
And just as a surfer can only ride one wave at a time we are given reality moment by moment because it is all we can handle; anxiousness over the future is to be paralyzed by the illusory while living in the present is like being on the crest of the palpable and ever-changing waves on the ocean of life.
Posted by Jon at 04:18 PM | Comments (1)
January 19, 2007
Thicker Than Water
There's too many variables to consider in making predictions on what life will be like. I think we just have to flow through it like fingers on a cresting wave, scattering the spray. That and I'd really like to learn how to surf, I've never done it but every-time I see footage of people riding a wave it looks like the closest thing to heaven.
Posted by Jon at 09:24 PM | Comments (1)
More Quotes
"Never soul was set free without being made to feel it's slavery." -George Macdonald.
"You have a disagreeable duty to do at twelve o'clock. Do not blacken nine and ten and eleven, and all between, with the color of twelve. Do the work of each, and reap your reward in peace. So when the dreaded moment in the future becomes the present, you shall meet it walking in the light, and that light will overcome its darkness." -George Macdonald
"You can want freedom from your issues not for the sake of holiness leading to intimacy with God, but for the sake of having a happier life. Then your motive behind all your Christian striving is pure sin...God in his grace, will not remove all of your issues. If he did, you would be as pure as an angel and proud as a demon. You have to balance a zero-tolerance policy toward sin in your life with a daily dependence on God's grace -- rather than simply desiring a once-and-for-all deliverance from all your issues. At the root of that desire to be free is often nothing more than a desire for a happy life, and a desire to be holy on your own, independent of God." -Will Leitch
Posted by Jon at 08:11 AM | Comments (1)
January 17, 2007
Something of Infinity
"[God] is unspeakable not by being indefinite but by being too definite for the unavoidable vagueness of language." -C.S. Lewis, Miracles p.145-146
I chose to lead off this entry with the above quote because I am having a difficult time trying to describe what it is that has been going on in my life. To put it at its simplest I have been getting to know human beings through the lens of Christ and, by proxy, starting to understand who I am in Him. It is as if my life prior was a charade, not that I was purposefully disingenuous but, in that I was constantly mimicking what I perceived to be going on all around me. My moral outlook was defined by observing the behavior of those I respected and then retrofitting their conduct into my own actions, certain that if I did the same as the people I admired that peace, prosperity and happiness would soon abound in my life.
I think it is an honest mistake, really; one that finds its origin deeply seeded in human beings' natural tendency to learn in community. But it all felt so cold and fake. 'Who am I?' I'd often ask, wondering if there was a core 'self' inside that longed to find it's way out and explode into reality but was constantly being stifled by my paralyzing need to fit in and be accepted by the world.
Not only was I taking cues for my actions by observing other people's behavior but I was presenting that which I thought would be admired. Transparent honesty wasn't an option and I chose rather to proffer a facade that I was convinced would leave the most positive impression on those I encountered. My waning spirituality was derived only by external experiences such as music and art. People were a liability; an entity (and I knew this by looking at myself) not to be trusted.
But then I started going to a new church and attended a cell group where people were honest about what was going on inside: that vague shadowy interior of the human self I had lost touch with in favor of obsessing over externals. They voiced openly of their struggles, their needs and insecurities then a moment later would be laughing: sharing little stories of success and happiness that had happened in the preceding week. These people were relaxed but serious, all gloriously different but united in their mission to be honest and love one another. It took me a while but I noticed that I didn't have to rehearse anymore, I could just speak what I felt and they would help me sort it out. This honesty soon translated into my other relationships: I started listening to what people were saying instead of trying to think of what I was going to reply with to add to the conversation. The noise in my head was quieting down as well with obsessive thoughts turning gradually into quiet contentment.
Tonight my cell leader, Jerry, shared his testimony and I was completely floored. I won't even attempt to recount his story because you really need to hear it from him. Not just in the details I would undoubtedly forget to include, but in the way his face gradually brightens over the course of the story due to the self-stated reminders of all Christ has done for him. My entire being was bubbling with emotion, 'This is what evangelism is,' I thought, 'someone retelling their story of redemption and seeing the meaning in their eyes.' And after he was done and we circled around to pray for him it was as if the Holy Spirit struck into my brain like lighting and gave me exactly what to say. I didn't stutter because I didn't have time to rehearse, I was being given words in the exact moment I needed them which would edify not myself, but Jerry and God.
On my way home I tried to listen to music but couldn't initially because it all seemed too grey and distracting, I just wanted to sit with God and have my indefinable emotional response to the whole night reflect back as worship.
For the first time, I am hearing from God beyond the momentary flashes of love and infinity I usually experience that dissipate in the same moment they arise. Now I am having conversations with the Creator of the universe and my heart is expanding with a glorious abandon I hope never ceases.
Oh and I love this video, it makes me think of how Aslan might greet Lucy after she returns to Narnia after a long absence:
Posted by Jon at 11:40 PM | Comments (0)
January 15, 2007
Breakthroughs
I think I am becoming a Christian, a real one at least, you know...one of those people who has a relationship with God? I was at youth group the other night and my friend Leny said that the 18 inches from the head to the heart is the longest distance to traverse in one's spiritual life. It's a journey you can't travel by sheer will; one has to be carried there and I think God has been slowly revealing Himself to me in a way that is authentic and palpable to my senses. The frame work I've laid by studying theology, philosophy and the Bible is finally starting to make sense in a way that brings peace instead of inadequacy and acceptance rather than self-loathing. It's all rather exciting, really.
My church is almost too awesome to explain, it's the first 'body of believers' I've been in that constantly exude God's love, free of any expectations on conduct and appearance. It's as though they just want to get you in touch with Jesus and trust He'll take care of the rest.
Posted by Jon at 06:01 PM | Comments (0)
January 10, 2007
The iPhone
Can we talk about the iPhone for a minute? It seems to be all the 'rage' or the 'buzz' or whatever and I must say the device is rather impressive. Multi-touch interface (remember?), the elegance of OSX, a more intuitive approach to calling & texting; it's all so appealing but, strangely, I don't really desire the device.
This is for a couple of reasons. The first, and most important reason, being that I don't need such a device. I'm never far from a computer, own an iPod that holds gobs of content and my crappy little cell phone works just fine. The only periods when my umbilical cord to the intertron is severed is when I am either driving or interacting with human beings.
I have to admit that I salivated over the rapid fire, minute by minute posts on Gizmodo during the announcement due to my fantasizing over the sheer possibilities the device afforded. Just this past New Years I got lost in the labyrinthine tangle of side streets in Quincy and could have taken full advantage of the Google Maps feature but, how often does that happen? Pressing my thumb on a friends forehead to call them? Definitely cool but, it's not like the up/down arrows and little green phone icon buttons on my current phone didn't already do the trick, albeit with a little less panache but, functional all the same.
Add these observations in with the lack of replaceable battery (solid state? Are you serious?) and Cingular exclusivity and the iPhone goes from being a 'must have' to a 'isn't that neat?' I still remember when the 1st Generation iPod came out (remember the click wheel?) and I thought, this thing is going to change the world, and it did but, not til after some much needed revisions. Spending $599 for 8 gigs of storage, 5 hour (non replaceable) battery life, no user-created widgets and a minimum 2-year contract with Cingular just isn't worth it. Give it 2 years and those things will be half as expensive, come in 4 different variations and will be available on every wireless provider.
Seacrest, out!
Posted by Jon at 03:53 PM | Comments (0)
January 08, 2007
Top 10: 2006 in Review
10 Things I Learned in 2006:
10. Working for a start-up company is no fun unless you're independently wealthy.
9. Writing is more of an affair of the will than the mind.
8. If the majority of your good friends don't like the person you are dating there's probably a good reason why.
7. The Chronicles of Narnia still gives me chills and has lost none of it's power with age.
6. Sleep is infinitely less important than hanging out with friends.
5. Spending time with kids drastically improves the quality of ones life.
4. Being an uncle is awesome.
3. Cooking is cathartic.
2. Worrying is still stupid.
1. The issue of my value is not dependent on my achievement. (This one's a work in progress.)
Top 10 Played Songs on my iPod/iTunes:
10. Remembrance by Caia
9. Fading Fortunes Of River Deep by Breitbannt
8. Code Breaker by Spirit Catcher
7. Any Colour You Like by Pink Floyd
6. The Holly and The Ivy by George Winston
5. Les Fleur by 4 Hero
4. The Way It Is by Prodigy
3. Release (Luke Dzierzek Remix) by Chris Lake
2. Bleepnotic by Gordon Truerock
1. Wired by Raumton
10 Websites I Visited Regularly:
gizmodo.com
boingboing.net
xenisucks.com
penny-arcade.com
ytmnd.com
youtube.com
make.com/blog
createdigitalmusic.com
myspace.com
beatport.com
10 Books I Read That Were Amazing:
The Curious Incident of The Dog in the Nighttime by Mark Haddon
Mere Christianity (4 Times) by C.S. Lewis
The Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis
The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis
Narnia (Minus Silver Chair & Last Battle) by C.S. Lewis
A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson
Made In America by Bill Bryson
A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking
The Universe In A Nutshell by Stephen Hawking
Dress Your Family In Corduroy & Denim by David Sedaris
10 Awesome Things Bittorrent Gave Me:
The Howard Stern Show
Aqua Teen Hunger Force
The Office
Lost
Prison Break
Heroes
Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
BBC Documentaries
MST3K (Thanks MySpleen!)
Top 40 Music For New Years
10 Killer Movies I Saw:
Lucky Number Slevin
Finding Neverland
Casino Royal
Pirates of The Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
The Departed
Jackass 2
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America To Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
A Scanner Darkly
March of The Penguins
Who Killed The Electric Car?
10 Music Producers I Discovered Made Excellent Dance Music:
Luke Dzierzek
Spirit Catcher
Mason
Coburn
Julio Navas
Rex The Dog
Dave Spoon
Tom Pooks
Gregor Tresher
Anyone on Great Stuff Recordings
Top 10 Favorite Tracks I Purchased From Beatport.com:
Code Breaker by Spirit Catcher
Open the Gates (Deetron Remix) by Guy Gerber & Gregor Tresher
Heartbeats (Rex The Dog Remix) by The Knife
Aqualight (Original Mix) by Lake & Leger
The Now People (Original Mix) by Gregor Tresher
Musical Hero (Gee & Lighter Remix) by Dave Lindbergh
Give Me Love (Andrea Doria Remix) by Coburn
1983 (Eric Prydz Remix) by Paolo Mojo
Picture Perfect (The Rapture HushHush Mix) by The Ones
Sweet Things (Ian Pooley Vocal Mix) by Star You Star Me
Orbital Dance Machine (Tomas Andersson's Nervous Disco Remix) by Trick & Kubic
Posted by Jon at 12:49 PM | Comments (2)
January 06, 2007
Resolving Value
I've been working my way through a bunch of different experiences as of late and am brimming with all sorts of divergent ideas. It's as if my brain has become a nexus for trains of thought and I am charged with the task of making sure they all arrive and depart at the appropriate times. I'm sure there's a tenuous connective thread between all of them and I'm a little obsessed with finding the point at which they come together.
For example, I've been listening to the audio book for C.S. Lewis' Miracles, a work that purposes to explain, with intellectual proofs, that not only are miracles possible but are regular occurrences where the supernatural interacts with our natural world. He calls them 'spears of consciousness', moments of pure light piercing our dark world to bring insight, love and direction to those who seek it. In the same way I've been trying to make sense of a recent series of sermons at church where Pastor Rob talked about 'the issue of our value' and how it is 'settled on the cross.' From when he first introduced the concept I felt immediately convicted and confused. I knew right away this was something that was completely devoid from my life and I had not the slightest way to acquire it.
Most times I can leave church purposing, for example, to be less prideful because I can look into my past to those times where I had, even if only for moments, overcome it; providing me with a point of reference for how I need to change my behavior and thought life. Here I had come to a brick wall, an insurmountable conceptual road block where I didn't know where to begin. In other words, I was helpless.
So I started praying, not for strength to overcome, not for an attitude that averts a particular vice or sin but, simply, for understanding. It's akin to the type of prayers you say when you come to class one morning and realize you forgot to study for the big test that the teacher is beginning to hand out; hoping in some way that a kind act you did previously will merit God's favor and He will grant you the miracle of understanding. The difference this time is that the pit in my stomach is not from fear of a bad grade but is borne of the dread that I am living 'in-the-wrong' where my skewed perspective will coat all my experiences with a vague gray residue of quiet depression.
Those first feeble prayers were simple and short because my diminished self-confidence could find no flowery language in which to guild my requests. I had reached the heart of the issue and there was no use in trying to make it something it wasn't.
So each helpless morning, every quiet drive home, each eruption of fear, every moment of insecurity I offered up the simple prayer that God would show me what it means to find my value in Him. And one day this past week a spear of molten light shot up through the snow-blanketed winter of my understanding and melted away a clearing from which spring would spread.
I was at work and had just finished a design that I was bringing around for approval. I wasn't too confident in what I had done creatively which is something that happens when you are trying to design an email which will encourage women to buy clothing they don't really need. Do I go with finessed type or shall I just give in and preemptively swath everything in red? I opted for the red-treatment, knowing that if I didn't I would end up being told to so regardless; this little piece of electronic marketing was promoting a sale after all.
One of the people I had to clear it with made a comment about it being 'red' and how we were 'doing too much stuff with red in it lately.' Which, usually, would instantly bother me and bring to mind some undesirable patterns in their work that I could fixate on and use to justify why me and this person were both compromising creatively in order to secure a steady paycheck. This time, however, it was different; miraculously different, in fact. Before any of those aforementioned thoughts could arise and take root I heard a voice say in my head, 'The issue of your value is settled.' I'm not sure if it was in that exact vernacular but the concept was brought instantly to the fore of my mind and I felt a curious peace wash over me. I owned what this person said, saw they were right and honestly thanked them for their feedback.
I left the whole affair pretty startled with a spring in my step. I realized I was being worked on; that 'He who began a good with in [me would] be faithful to complete it.' In other words, it was pretty awesome.
Posted by Jon at 12:33 PM | Comments (0)
January 03, 2007
New Years
Sometimes it's hard for me to put into words what it is about electronic music that strikes such a rich and powerful chord in me. In many ways I don't understand why it brings such joy and inspires so much passion in me to create but, it does. In all honesty I get jealous when I see people who have that same passion for playing the guitar or piano because I feel as though it is a 'better' interest to have. I can't bring my decks and equipment to a park on a whim and play under a tree like I would with a guitar or write passionate love songs with my set up like someone can on a piano. Sure, girls dig DJs but, if given the choice I'm sure they'd prefer a rockstar. But when I hear the right beat or the perfect echoed, dreamy synth my heart just melts and I want to dance or drive or be in love.
I spun records over the weekend for New Years and had such an awkward experience of people not having the same visceral reaction to the music that I do. Spinning alone in your apartment gives you a weird confidence that everyone's going to dance as much as I want to but can't due to my headphone tether and vinyl-itchy fingers obsessed with maintaining minute-and-a-half mixes.
I was in the middle of a really nice progression of absolutely danceable tunes when a couple of other party-goers reminded me that there were married couples in the other room who 'wanted to hear more Snoop' or 'if I had any Billy Joel'. I don't blame them - people want to dance to what they know - but, whatever happened to dancing for the pure pleasure of being in motion? You know, the kind of movement that happened in the Garden before poetry and verse when there was only rhythm. Everyone was bobbing their heads but not moving, waiting for a familiar lyric to melt their insecurities away.
Turns out most people dance when they are drunk and it made me miss all those nights at college we got people together to go dance at Buzz in DC when the only liquid in us was water. We were moving for movements sake; excited with the knowledge that we had no idea what tune was going to come next.
If anything it inspired me to get my mixes out into the hands of more people so I can get one of those gigs where people come out to be surprised by new music, not up for specific songs but for a vibe; a soundtrack that will match their hunger for some gesticulation in a world of static, plastic people.
I did get a big confidence boost though, cause I was way nervous about not being able to fill the time required due to the party starting early at 7. It was great getting scolded by my host when I was still rocking well past 4am, completely lost in the music and unaware people were drunk and needed sleep. It brought back memories of when Jed and I would stay up, playing tunes and lining our apartment with Chinese newspaper, constantly being called by our neighbors to turn the music down.
Speaking of which I missed Jed thoroughly that night; I wanted him to close down the party so bad. Not just because I was dying to dance but because I wanted his feedback and someone to dance to those tunes I knew he'd enjoy. Matty was good company though, his head bobbing was a good gauge and it was fun to let him work the effects for a few of the tunes.
A new mix is in the works and it's being fueled by all the energy left over from that night. It's what I would have started at 4am with. Stay tuned...
Posted by Jon at 06:34 PM | Comments (1)